Of Autumn

Hello October. You didn't expect to find me here, huh? Your hands are cold, dear. Come on. Lets go inside. The kettles on. Would you like some tea? You're wearing the sweater I gave you. What did I say? It set off your eyes in the still morning light? It still does.
What's that? What am I doing here? It is, well, this place is my home. You remember. The earth is falling asleep and it seems my soul has returned to me, after that long summer. Selfish summer. She doesn't let go easily. You know this. But now I'm back. And you're back.
Why didn't You say goodbye?
All I had were the memories. Of auburn hair caught just so in the still morning light, soft skin, your hand in mine. The scattered apologies. Mountains of words that slipped away over a year. Yeah, it's been a year. Doesn't feel that way, does it. Longer, like the months have stretched just to keep us apart. Selfish summer.
Why didn't you say goodbye?
I missed you.
Let's go back to how it was. Please? 

It can be said that I am somewhat of a hopeless romantic. Living a life that is not as it is, but rather what it could be. Fantasies lived only in between paper and ink, not of the here and now but of the elsewhere; they drift through the windows of my heart like an ostensible dream. Always writing letters to seasons in my waking hours, of love and life and what I wish a reality of mine could be; eventually the pen slips from my fingers while I melt into the night with the echos of lives I have never lived.

But ah, Autumn has come; yet fickle she remains. Yes hello, come in, I expected you sooner. What? Not staying? Wait no, come back! Won't you sit for a bit, we have much to talk about, much I wish to say. I wrote these letters, see? Won't you take them? I just wanted to let you know, a-about so much; here you can have them, please? Won't you come in?

And so it goes...

It is during this season that I feel the most at home, the most at ease with my inner dwelling. Maybe it is because I feel that I exist in a constant state of Autumn, like I am in the November of my life, or maybe it is because I feel the season in my very being all through these months, with all it's pumpkin spice lattes and rusted colors; but the very air just brings joy to my being.

Autumn is here. And she is smiling.

A confession; I have been somewhat stressed in these recent days. Deadlines looming, self imposed or not, projects that shove me completely out of my comfort zone; suns rising and falling seemingly without my notice. Odd hours at night jostled by a panicked mind needing to accomplish forgotten tasks that simply can't wait it seems, the darkness at my throat, pushing and pulling.

I am learning about the management of time during these days, failing more than I wish. It is a truth that one can ever fully get a grip on such a thing as time, and we have to pick ourselves up and move on sometimes when it slips from our fingers to spread down the road with its black hood up; oh, it's dark. When did the sun go down already? How did I miss this?

Where did the time go?

I had an afternoon set aside just to bake some cookies. Basic as this may be, it was something I desperately needed to do to get away from all that is crushing to my being. The ingredients were simply put just so in a jar and handed to me as a left over from an auction. I don't have the exact recipe, but laced on the little instruction card was the title pecan and butterscotch. They were above all else, an easy thing to make. Just stir in an egg and bake.

Oh hey, I rhymed.

I used this afternoon to reclaim some lost time, in a way. To tell my mind to chill out, everything isn't as bad as you think it so. Come on heart, let's let the wind touch us and maybe we could have a chat, just you and me...

A lesson I have learned during these days of late: we can not be happy all the time. On our own, hope is just around the bend in the road, just far enough away to see a vague direction, and we look back from where we came far too often. I have found that to just be, where you are and simply looking at the place you are in and not ahead or behind, is one of the hardest of things one can do. It takes a lot of prayer, times set aside to reflect, and sometimes we just need to turn up the music in the car and blast those vocal cords down a highway to clear the mind.

Another lesson learned: it is wise to check if the windows are closed before belting out the Disney music so as to not terrify the neighbors.

~ I Have This Hope by Tenth Avenue North.
As I walk this great unknown
Questions come and questions go
Was there purpose for the pain?
Did I cry these tears in vain?

I don't want to live in fear
I want to trust that You are near
Trust Your grace can be seen
In both triumph and tragedy

I have this hope
In the depth of my soul
In the flood or the fire
You're with me and You won't let go

But sometimes my faith feels thin
Like the night will never end
Will You catch every tear
Or will You just leave me here?

But I have this hope
In the depth of my soul
In the flood or the fire
You're with me and You won't let go

So, whatever happens I will not be afraid
Cause You are closer than this breath that I take
You calm the storm when I hear You call my name
I still believe that one day I'll see Your face

And I have this hope
In the depth of my soul
In the flood or the fire
You're with me
I have this hope
In the depth of my soul
In the flood or the fire
You're with me and You won't let go

In the flood or the fire
You're with me and You won't let go

I will end with this song that is my anthem during those times when I simply wish it could all end.  He is with us, always, even if I forget. His mercies are new every morning, the sun always rises, hope comes upon the wind.

Be still and know...

Things As They Are

It is something of a hard and fast fact that things just simply, and hilariously, don't always go like I wish them to. Even now I just typed thongs instead of things in the title. Sigh.

Always a flip side to this little life I live. Crooked cakes that just sit in all their awkward prestige, a patch quilt of frosting shrouding the poor creatures; slanted personalities I like to call them, just needs a little love. It's what's on the inside that matters anyway, right? Also known to accompany me on my venturous baking attempts are a many "Oops, that was supposed to be 2 teaspoons, not tablespoons." Or a, "Was I supposed to butter the pan before I put the dough in?" muttered through an array of flour dusted hands or oven mittens.

And, this being the case of most recent days, I have been plagued with photo shoot after photo shoot with nothing more accomplished than a hand full of mistakes that sit over my head, concepts left unfinished. Days that slip over me, just a sun rising and falling; I stare and stare at him, the sun, watching him march by, his light casting shadows upon a day filled with nothing accomplished...

Always a flip side.

I thought, rather circumspectly, to share that other realm of misfits and mistakes that make up so much of any photo adventure I pursue, that place of perfectly imperfect moments; a behind the scenes, if you will, of what surrounds a photo, of what builds a memory that is so treasured in my mind, of what is not seen but still lives in my heart.

My life, as it is, is certainly not perfect. I mean, just take a glance at the photos below. This, as these things go, is not a complaint against these, shall we say, bloopers. Whatever a perfect life on this earth could even be, it is not mine. And I rejoice in that. Life can't be all that we want it to be; it simply can't go exactly like we plan. And that's hard, I know. I am certainly not one to smile at everything that happens in my day. Just ask my family. I don't laugh at every little ill thing that occurs regularly. I don't always find joy in trivial mishaps such as early mornings. Some days it seems that I don't smile at all. But it takes a willing heart to love a life far from one thinks it should be. And, when this sad soul has those rain clouds looming and distracting once again, my greatest comfort comes in the promise that God's sovereignty is above our earthly wishes; and sometimes we just need to dance in the rain.

So, a few photos, to share some of my misfits, some tales of real life.

A before and after of a sort. More of an expectation and reality, I think. A reality is my constant state, really. I take time to have these little precious moments to breath, simply, solitary in the course of the day; to hush my mind. But, even when I sit in the pooling sun with my tea to take a photo, life simply happens.
Ah yes, steam you steamy steam you. Ouch, hot. Darn. Spill. Yes, hello reality. How are you? Take a seat, the kettles on. What was that? That noise? No. No, I hear nothing. Please, just put your feet up. I'll get back to you in a second.

I think, perhaps, an explanation is very much in need concerning this photo. Yes, I am in my bedroom, under a billowing bed sheet, yes, yes, that is indeed my face. I was, well, I was practicing. Trying to see if I could nail a pose and get the sheet to move like I wanted it in one shot, while maintaining the appropriate face. I still think I could do it. But now I have this. In all it's glory.

 As I read by the window, the light slips in every afternoon in just the simplest of ways. I like to sit and breath it is, as if I have never had anything else to sustain me for the entire day until that moment. Deep breaths; and my book. And the light. Ah, the light. I suppose I imagine that the hands of God guide it just so, like a ship upon a golden sea; it comes with hope and peace.
 This video is a testament to how my Instagram stories usually work out. Someone barging in while singing, and the wind not obeying my ideals of peace and happiness and AH WHY CAN'T YOU STAY PUT.

These gems are from a photo shoot I attempted the other day with my cat. Getting her to corporate was so hysterically difficult, but who could blame her really. I mean, I was hoisting her on my head and trying to get her to crawl on my neck, hoping beyond reason that she wouldn't jump away to leave me be the dweeb that I am alone in a picture. And so I now have these photos, sort of moments in between glorious timing and not. Those last two photos are when she jumped off right when the shutter clicked and then ran away to hide behind the chair. Poor Susan.

Yes, the beach can be a picturesque place where one might think it a pleasant enough place to read. *Cough* No. At least not this beach. Could be that I was right in the wind, unwilling to move, rooted in determination to stay and beat the wind at whatever the heck I thought it was playing.

So, a view at the unseen, a look at the hidden; and yet the door is wide open, as open as a new born sun across the sky, just waiting for us to step out and follow it to whatever possibilities it promises every new day. I think, as we tread each our own path, toward sun and moon and horizons of broad unknowns, that to find joy where you think none will be, is one of the most pleasant of surprises one can find, and perhaps, it is something we should look for in more places. 

Remember to dance in the rain.

A Musing We Will Go {9-20-16}

Life, as it is, can not be all that we want it to be, I have found. What once was is no more than a memory, what will be can not be seen, and what is the here and now can sometimes be forgotten amongst the business of things.

Yet, with this said, things, as they are, are not altogether as bad as we can think them to be, or perhaps, as bad as we make them out to be. It is a wondrous thing when one makes it through those things we just simply don't want to do, reluctantly dragging our feet to go where we know we must go, yet coming out on the other side still breathing, still smiling, finding joy even after the long days filled with imagined failures. 

As it has lately been for me.

These past few weeks have been somewhat of a blur. Getting over the jet lag of my 11 hour flight home from my adventures across the ocean has muddled my thoughts as I dwell mentally in another time zone. I suppose I will still be there for awhile, even now that I'm pretty sure I'm over the late nights and drowsy days; sort of. But part of me stayed in that place, and I don't suppose it will ever leave my being, it simply is, here and there, within and abroad. I miss Beijing. 

Yes, as I slip back into the here and now that is my normal life, coffee in hand of course, my days seem to blend together, just another sunrise that melts into sleep with nothing in between and so forth and so on and never ending it seems. I will admit, I have been in what some may call a creative drought. Waking moments seem to be endless and finite all at once, there is never enough hours of sunlight for me to be and do and try all that I wish; and then there are times when it just seems that the earth has stopped its celestial travels and all I want is to go back to my cove between linen and pillow and simply slip away from the never ending noise. Writing, especially, has been difficult, the ink of my thoughts bleeding through the paper rather than inscribing anything on it; that torrent in my head crashing, drowning, dim and obscure, eventually washing up upon a barren shore. 

These times can be difficult, yes. It is all I can do some days to simply be alright with what ever I am creating, to refrain from destroying the beauty of the mundane with doubt and worry. But I must remind myself that yes, indeed things, as they are, are not always as bad as we can think them to be, or perhaps, as bad as we make them out to be. Especially when we try to create what is that turret in our beings, that tapestry that is our imagination. I think that is the greatest blessing I have found during these past few weeks, that there is joy in the unwanted moments, it just takes a willing heart to see it. 

Also learned through these weeks... sleep is very important. I wish I was better at it.

So I have decided to create a little series, if that is what one may call this, where I'll share some things that have most inspired me recently. A Musing We Will Go. Of things that help me get out from underneath the blindfold that holds back ones soul from the heart, that help me see the joy in this world. I have seen this done before, and it was really inspiring for me, and so I decided to provide it here on my little blog. I hope you, too, can find something that speaks to your being here in my little space.

~First, a photo that I took, rather hastily, a few weeks ago, right before I departed across an ocean. All of it is simply wishful thinking. Candles, spiced tea, a sweater (yes that's a sweater...prop camouflage at it's best right there). It is a longing for an Autumn that is slow in coming. 

~Restless by Audrey Assad
You dwell in the songs that we are singing,
Rising to the Heavens, rising to Your heart, Your heart.
Our praises filling up the spaces
In between our frailty and everything You are
You are the keeper of my heart
And I'm restless, I'm restless
'Til I rest in You, 'til I rest in You
I am restless, I'm restless
'Til I rest in You, 'til I rest in You
Oh God, I wanna rest in You

It is a song that has been drifting through my house recently, a perfect ode to the clear light as of late. It makes one pause and think, really think, of everything one is and where one might be in this world, the rush and hurry that it is, and reminds me, simply, of what I should rest in when I am restless. Whenever it comes on my Spotify play list, it is as if a window has been swung wide open upon my mind, and I greatly breath in the fresh air and warm morning light that is this song.

~These Orange Blossom & Honey Cinnamon Buns are just heavenly looking. And Nathaniel's blog and Instagram have been a huge source of inspiration for my baking endeavors, however small those may be. 

~ This photo, and quite honestly the entirety that is Brooke Shaden, have always ignited my imagination. Currently, I am re-watching a class of hers on Creative Live that has helped me learn many things when it comes to the labyrinth that is editing, conceptualizing, shooting, and finalizing a photo. 

~ Honey Whole Wheat Bread accompanied with an enchanting blog post that I just love. I think, perhaps, this is something I could actually pull off.

~Finally my friends, I wrote a story about September. It has a special place in my heart, like a letter from a dear friend, worn and creased at the edges, kept in that little space by the bed side, taken out to be re-read again and again and again. I have pondered a lot about whether or not I want to share something like this here on my little space of the internet, something that is from a corner of my being that I do not share very often. But I think, in time, it will end up here. The story sparked an idea that I took photos for the other day with my sister. It was, as many of my crazy photo shoots go, filled with laughter and hilarious behind the scenes photos and memories.

So now my friends, I must go and edit and knead and churn over the photos that I have gathered.

I wish you all an inspiring week.

The Passing of Spring | A Veiw of The Future

And just like that, spring was gone. 

The cycle, the new life, the breath, the sun, it is all coming to it's prime; summer. The time of break, of rest, at least for some of us with school, and some, I included, have finished the schooling of our childhood and now look toward the world unknown. The season of change is upon us. We have graduated.

But there is now this middle ground, an inhale before the plunge into that tide sweeping us away to the oceans of the world. Some know exactly where the current is taking them, others do not, *raises hand*. Some will float to colleges, some to other countries, some straight into a profession, and others will simply drift until they hit land, wherever that might be. But the thing that binds us together is that we are chasing a dream, a new life, a strive to find our path in this world, to fulfill God's will for our lives.

I will admit that the concept of life after high school has always been a mystery to me. And quite frankly, it still is. The ground right in front of my feet; that blank, bare, and ardently small space that my silhouette will cast it's shadow upon soon enough, is the space that is illuminated by my knowledge of where I am going down this road, by my knowledge of where God is taking me. It is not a nicely paved road like it seems others are, nor is it desolate and barren; it is my path, and I know where I'll soon be in that near future, and I know not what will happen beyond.

I am learning to be okay with that.

To be content with the unknown, that blurring together of what could be, would be, will be. And sometimes we feel the pull of it, that anxiety that holds us to the ground, a suffocation it is; but we really just want to let go and sore up to the clouds, chasing those dreams that we throw up to heaven and watch as they form in constellations or clouds born on a western wind of thought. Sometimes we sink, down into the deep where the waters turn black and you can't tell which way is up; and so we drown out the possibilities, the could be's, the what if's, and turn to what we think is best rather than what could be.

And so I have created an image of how it feels to look into a future unsure, of that time that we see nothing, just the dark water that drags us deep down into doubt. It is a reminder, a memento to what one may feel at times, but a reminder I will choose it to be, for it is an image I strive to move on from, to look behind at, and to accept.

And I hope the same for you my friends.

Book Reads | The Reckless Series

There are books that capture your heart in the very first chapter, when the characters take you away within their first few words uttered between the pages. Books that you savor, letting the plot sit in your bones for days, cherishing the quiet moments you spend with it on spring afternoons like this one...

 

I am not what you would call a book blogger. That is a whole different world in its entirety, a world that I enjoy perusing and gaining from the knowledgeable writers who diligently work at critique and staying up to date with the book world, but I am certainly not of this awesome people. I am, however, a consumer of ink on paper and I think I'll write my own thoughts on books periodically in my little corner here.

  

Reckless By Cornelia Funke. -There are books that capture your heart in the very first chapter, when the characters take you away within their first few words uttered between the pages. Books that you savor, letting the plot sit in your bones for days, cherishing the quiet moments you spend with it on spring afternoons. These books were just of that kind. 

 I took my time with this book, and quite honestly with the other two as well, reading them in the soft spring light, usually accompanied by tea or coffee. Tales about a mirror that led to another world where every fairy tale you have heard in our world is true in that one. Characters with secrets, fairies with potent names that must never be spoken aloud, and a shapeshifter that may become your favorite character. This book was so entirely intriguing and I enjoyed every chapter behind the mirror. 

Each book in the series had new adventures and added so much to this world I wish I could visit. I thought for sure that this was a trilogy, but I have recently found out that another one is on the way. So now I am forced to wait for the fourth one, and thank goodness that there is another after how the third one ended.

I hope you all are having a good week! If you want, I would love to hear what you are currently reading!

Nathan + Kaitlian | Engagement Photos

The sun was slowly slipping into slumber as they hiked high up in the sequoias, the big trees as their canopy, wild flowers nodding at them as they walked by. Nathan saw the sun setting and thought that it was time. He asked if they could go up to a rock that would be perfect to watch the sun fall asleep. Agreeing that this was a wonderful idea, Kaitlin obliged, but needed a break and some water. I can only imagine the feelings going on in Nathan's mind at this point. Maybe he was reminiscing the first time they said a word to each other, when she bummed his foot while on a bus in San Fransisco and said sorry.

They made it to the rock as the sun painted the sky. He turned to her, bent his knee, and asked her to marry him in the midst of God's artistry.

She said yes.

And now, they blossom; the prince and the princess. Sharing glances across large rooms, faces beaming. Conversations about the Bible over coffee. Hiking in the woods. Volunteering at church functions. Together. 

I was so excited and honored that these two wanted me to take their engagement photos. We adventured through groves of trees and hidden corners, slipping through crooked fences to pose along well worn paths and balance on river stones. Hart Park is one of my favorite places to be in Bakersfield, and I was thrilled they wanted to take photos there, even though I am still pulling cat tales (is that what they're called?) out of my shoe from our stint in the tall grass.

Also, this was my first session that I drove myself too. Just me. No one else. In a car. I was a little excited. 

I must say, the only thing I had to do was ask them to look at each other and they would glow, their love bursting from their faces and the adorableness was just explosive. They were truly amazing people to work with, and I can not wait for the wedding!

Bunches of Flowers | Thoughts On Spring

Those small, soft, delicious moments of the day's eve, still and quiet. I almost think they were made for listening. To close the eyes and feel the earth sway, to shift; the changing of light to dark. But it is too special a moment to keep from sight, the light of the sun and moon colliding, mingling but for a breath of time in their exchange of reign. These are the things that sit in our bones after the sun's farewell, the lullaby of the earth. 

Spring. Those few young months of the new year that are so fleeting. The sun, in its haste, flies past wishing for summer; the prime of its command.

But, there is a breath. An inhale, before the sting of summer. Of growth, of color, the life returning after death; the metaphor of Christ, the promise to the Christian. It is a time of rejoice, of laughter and dancing in the young light. For planting, not just of seed, but of feet also, I think, in the warm earth. Letting our hearts stretch and grow like the wild flowers reaching toward the sun.

Yet, for me, it is a time of restlessness. A stirring inside of me, to fly, to grow, to be with the flowers and birds and trees. But it is in the moments that I take to be still, to be quiet, to breath; on afternoons watching the sun, or the mornings spent watering the lavender and rosemary. Taking photos in small corners of the house or Bible studies in the dwindling spring light. These are the little things that keep the restlessness at bay, and as the earth returns from winter slumber, I will purpose to be content.

What are the things you most enjoy about spring?