Of Autumn

Hello October. You didn't expect to find me here, huh? Your hands are cold, dear. Come on. Lets go inside. The kettles on. Would you like some tea? You're wearing the sweater I gave you. What did I say? It set off your eyes in the still morning light? It still does.
What's that? What am I doing here? It is, well, this place is my home. You remember. The earth is falling asleep and it seems my soul has returned to me, after that long summer. Selfish summer. She doesn't let go easily. You know this. But now I'm back. And you're back.
Why didn't You say goodbye?
All I had were the memories. Of auburn hair caught just so in the still morning light, soft skin, your hand in mine. The scattered apologies. Mountains of words that slipped away over a year. Yeah, it's been a year. Doesn't feel that way, does it. Longer, like the months have stretched just to keep us apart. Selfish summer.
Why didn't you say goodbye?
I missed you.
Let's go back to how it was. Please? 

It can be said that I am somewhat of a hopeless romantic. Living a life that is not as it is, but rather what it could be. Fantasies lived only in between paper and ink, not of the here and now but of the elsewhere; they drift through the windows of my heart like an ostensible dream. Always writing letters to seasons in my waking hours, of love and life and what I wish a reality of mine could be; eventually the pen slips from my fingers while I melt into the night with the echos of lives I have never lived.

But ah, Autumn has come; yet fickle she remains. Yes hello, come in, I expected you sooner. What? Not staying? Wait no, come back! Won't you sit for a bit, we have much to talk about, much I wish to say. I wrote these letters, see? Won't you take them? I just wanted to let you know, a-about so much; here you can have them, please? Won't you come in?

And so it goes...

It is during this season that I feel the most at home, the most at ease with my inner dwelling. Maybe it is because I feel that I exist in a constant state of Autumn, like I am in the November of my life, or maybe it is because I feel the season in my very being all through these months, with all it's pumpkin spice lattes and rusted colors; but the very air just brings joy to my being.

Autumn is here. And she is smiling.

A confession; I have been somewhat stressed in these recent days. Deadlines looming, self imposed or not, projects that shove me completely out of my comfort zone; suns rising and falling seemingly without my notice. Odd hours at night jostled by a panicked mind needing to accomplish forgotten tasks that simply can't wait it seems, the darkness at my throat, pushing and pulling.

I am learning about the management of time during these days, failing more than I wish. It is a truth that one can ever fully get a grip on such a thing as time, and we have to pick ourselves up and move on sometimes when it slips from our fingers to spread down the road with its black hood up; oh, it's dark. When did the sun go down already? How did I miss this?

Where did the time go?

I had an afternoon set aside just to bake some cookies. Basic as this may be, it was something I desperately needed to do to get away from all that is crushing to my being. The ingredients were simply put just so in a jar and handed to me as a left over from an auction. I don't have the exact recipe, but laced on the little instruction card was the title pecan and butterscotch. They were above all else, an easy thing to make. Just stir in an egg and bake.

Oh hey, I rhymed.

I used this afternoon to reclaim some lost time, in a way. To tell my mind to chill out, everything isn't as bad as you think it so. Come on heart, let's let the wind touch us and maybe we could have a chat, just you and me...

A lesson I have learned during these days of late: we can not be happy all the time. On our own, hope is just around the bend in the road, just far enough away to see a vague direction, and we look back from where we came far too often. I have found that to just be, where you are and simply looking at the place you are in and not ahead or behind, is one of the hardest of things one can do. It takes a lot of prayer, times set aside to reflect, and sometimes we just need to turn up the music in the car and blast those vocal cords down a highway to clear the mind.

Another lesson learned: it is wise to check if the windows are closed before belting out the Disney music so as to not terrify the neighbors.

~ I Have This Hope by Tenth Avenue North.
As I walk this great unknown
Questions come and questions go
Was there purpose for the pain?
Did I cry these tears in vain?

I don't want to live in fear
I want to trust that You are near
Trust Your grace can be seen
In both triumph and tragedy

I have this hope
In the depth of my soul
In the flood or the fire
You're with me and You won't let go

But sometimes my faith feels thin
Like the night will never end
Will You catch every tear
Or will You just leave me here?

But I have this hope
In the depth of my soul
In the flood or the fire
You're with me and You won't let go

So, whatever happens I will not be afraid
Cause You are closer than this breath that I take
You calm the storm when I hear You call my name
I still believe that one day I'll see Your face

And I have this hope
In the depth of my soul
In the flood or the fire
You're with me
I have this hope
In the depth of my soul
In the flood or the fire
You're with me and You won't let go

In the flood or the fire
You're with me and You won't let go

I will end with this song that is my anthem during those times when I simply wish it could all end.  He is with us, always, even if I forget. His mercies are new every morning, the sun always rises, hope comes upon the wind.

Be still and know...