In The Grey

There have been many times in these past days when I have thought that the limit of my words had simply come to an end, that the soil with which words sprout and bud and bloom to feel the sun upon petal and stem was simply too dry to cultivate anything of use. The sky seemed to grow dim, the nefarious grey setting into my joints and spine, suffocating the dexterity of my fingers. I felt alone among the silent words of a different language, lost in a confine I couldn't see; stuck.

I asked myself often if I had lost it. The creativity, the life to my work, the ability to keep creating and finding inspiration and writing it down, the wheel turning, the hammer ringing? Will this wall that I lean against break down or at least crack or at least fade so that I may see what it is I should say, see where my creativity has run off too, peak through the notches and splinters to view what I am supposed to be doing just over the wall. I have been told it will come back to me, told to hold my breath and wait, told that eventually the words will live again, that I have not lost creativity... But sometimes it's hard to see it so.

Sometimes it is hard to wait.

I am predisposed to believe them, for they are correct whether I think so or not, whether I see the sun or whether I look at the ground. Yet, as of late, I have been left wishing that I could convey everything I want to in words I do not possess, in a voice I can not command. Where do these words go when you can not find them? 

I do not know the answer.

So, I have learned then to live in this grey state, to explore it, to draw inspiration from it the way I know I must to survive, the way they have told me how. I know that we as creatives go through these things often, through the bricks and barriers, the churning over and the falling down and the getting up again... I know, I know, I know how it feels to be in the grey, to see the window and feel the breeze coming though, but being chained down or blind folded or buried or tangled... beyond reach.

So, If I can offer anything to those who have felt this way, it is this: that it's okay to not know what to say, to not know what to create, to not know how, and it is so truly okay to be in the grey, if that's what you need at this moment. The greys and the blacks and whites, the falling lower where the house is locked and the key lost, they are for learning, they are to teach you how to create when it's hard, how to take a break when needed, how to simply sit and stare out the window, and also how to pray from within the house, in the place of the unknown and silence.

For in the silence we hear God's voice. 

The photo below is of self blindness. I know that much, as I am usually aware of why I created the photo, but I have spent the past week wondering what else to say of it, what source of help I could give to people from it; yep, I was completely in the grey, looking around in that house behind the wall. And so I prayed and let it be, worked on what needed to be worked on and let God guide my mind to where it was supposed to go; I took my own advice, and, huh, it worked. Through this I realized that yes, it is okay to not know what to say, okay to wander through that house, but it is so important to know, above anything else, the why you created, to know the depth of it all even if it is just an obscure idea that is hard to describe in words, and to then create and see it before you in such a way that just makes you slip into a different world; that is why I create, that is why I share, and that is what I feel called to do. 

And don't worry, because from these things, the things that inspire you, the reasons of why you create, from there the words will come, the inspiration will return, for one of the greatest things I have discovered is that your ability, your inspirations, your creativity, it never ever leaves you. 

I promise it will return when it feels as if it has left.

For those in the grey, and for those who have chosen to follow along on my strange photo shoots and ramblings, thank you. I create for you and my King. 

To Grow In Spirit | Behind the Scenes

It was recently requested of me to make a tutorial for "that rose photo"which I posted on the internet a few days ago. While this post will certainly not be a step by step guide on how to make things grow from your face in Photoshop, I hope I can share with you some of the things that I do to my images, and a little look at what I did to this photo particularly through a few behind the scenes photos.
For this post, I have decided to concentrate on two aspects of my process: focusing and believability, with a little YouTube video at the end. If you learn anything at all from my ramblings, I hope you see that my process, when broken down to it's bones, is very simple.

As I said on my Instagram, I did not think it a possibility that this photo was in the realm of my abilities when I first conceived the idea of it back on that September day in the woods, when I and the wind became a lucid thing, ideas swirling with the tarnished leaves just starting to fall, the shifting earth clearing my mind. I pushed it away, buried it under my doubts, to that far off day where I would have the wherewithal to make it a reality, always seeming to be out of reach.

It was left alone in this way for many months, but a few weeks ago I pulled the idea out from my idea book as I felt the tug of it on my hands and sleeves and heart. So I took a trip to hobby lobby and bought one red rose. I got a little smile from the cashier, no doubt used to weird purchases from customers. But I walked out with the first step to my photo completed.

For this image, I had a very clear and simple vision of it in mind: me, a blank wall, and a rose rising out of my shattered face. These ideas are all written down in my little sketch book, detailed in text and horrors of doodling that help give me a visual for the final image. This can be said as my very first step, from imagined impossible entity to written practicalities on paper, so my brain doesn't let it slip away. I usually try to describe everything from pose and color and setting to the message I wish to portray, although at times the reason is somewhat blurred to me; but always the image is clear, or somewhat so. In this case, the concept was particularly clear to me, being of growth, the cultivation of our spiritual lives rooted in Christ, grounded in love, the Holy Spirit blooming for all to see; it is of our witness being evident in who we are and how we act and what we say. 

So, the day after I bought the rose, I set out to make the idea into a reality. The step two in a way. Sitting against my little green wall, I positioned myself in the way I thought best, marking where I needed to squat, focused on myself with my camera remote, and then locked down that focus (flipping the auto focus switch to manual focus on the side of the lens.) This insured that the other photos I took, which would eventually be added to the final image later, would all be in the same focal plain. A focal plain is the area in which you will remain in focus if you stay within it's limits. So, I put myself exactly where I wanted to be for this image, therefore, when I focused on myself and locked it down, I had a specific plain in which I had to stay in so that I would remain in focus. This plain essentially works horizontally; I can move side to side from my marked position and still remain to be in focus, but if I move toward the camera, or vertically from that plain, then I will be out of focus. (If that made any sense, bless you)

In any image that I create, the biggest thing that I strive for is believability. I knew that to make this photo look realistic, I needed to ground the fantasy world with the physics that govern ours. That rose would not look like it was coming from my face if I did not make sure I photographed it at the right angle, and because it was at the correct angle, I knew exactly where to create the hole in my cheek later in Photoshop because of where the rose intersected with my skin. Being conscience of how things will blend together later in Photoshop is one of the most important things to think through and experiment with and fail at and burn to the ground and try again and again and again...

I digress.

The three photos above were the only photos I used to create the final image (plus one other of just the wall so I could expand my frame upwards.) I had my pose, the rose intersecting my face, and the rose by itself all photographed individually and within the same focal plain, and then later in Photoshop I constructed the rose and added some cracks to my cheek from a texture of a crumbling wall which I got here. To finish the photo, I darkened the background and played with color and contrast, my favorite steps when creating these photos. You can see all of these steps in my quick little video below which shows each layer being revealed until the final image is complete.

If you have any questions or wish for more clarification, please feel free to comment below and I would love to help, brainstorm, chat about impossibles, or shed light on an inquiry in any way I can!

The Passing of Spring | A Veiw of The Future

And just like that, spring was gone. 

The cycle, the new life, the breath, the sun, it is all coming to it's prime; summer. The time of break, of rest, at least for some of us with school, and some, I included, have finished the schooling of our childhood and now look toward the world unknown. The season of change is upon us. We have graduated.

But there is now this middle ground, an inhale before the plunge into that tide sweeping us away to the oceans of the world. Some know exactly where the current is taking them, others do not, *raises hand*. Some will float to colleges, some to other countries, some straight into a profession, and others will simply drift until they hit land, wherever that might be. But the thing that binds us together is that we are chasing a dream, a new life, a strive to find our path in this world, to fulfill God's will for our lives.

I will admit that the concept of life after high school has always been a mystery to me. And quite frankly, it still is. The ground right in front of my feet; that blank, bare, and ardently small space that my silhouette will cast it's shadow upon soon enough, is the space that is illuminated by my knowledge of where I am going down this road, by my knowledge of where God is taking me. It is not a nicely paved road like it seems others are, nor is it desolate and barren; it is my path, and I know where I'll soon be in that near future, and I know not what will happen beyond.

I am learning to be okay with that.

To be content with the unknown, that blurring together of what could be, would be, will be. And sometimes we feel the pull of it, that anxiety that holds us to the ground, a suffocation it is; but we really just want to let go and sore up to the clouds, chasing those dreams that we throw up to heaven and watch as they form in constellations or clouds born on a western wind of thought. Sometimes we sink, down into the deep where the waters turn black and you can't tell which way is up; and so we drown out the possibilities, the could be's, the what if's, and turn to what we think is best rather than what could be.

And so I have created an image of how it feels to look into a future unsure, of that time that we see nothing, just the dark water that drags us deep down into doubt. It is a reminder, a memento to what one may feel at times, but a reminder I will choose it to be, for it is an image I strive to move on from, to look behind at, and to accept.

And I hope the same for you my friends.

Senior Portrait Project: The Hidden Storm

Is it considered a portrait if ones face is not actually featured in the photo? Well, I guess I'll include a photo with the face of one caught in the act of creativity, the words, "how long have you been there?" about to grace my lips...

I often imagine what it would be like to jump into my photos and continue the story. To begin within the moment captured, but then to breath in the life of an untold, continuing story. To become the character that often has such an elusive face at the moment the photo is captured. To feel their heart's beat in my veins, the life they live inside my bones, the quests they go on or, perhaps, the simplistic lives I imagine they live. I wish for the poetry of their lives when I am feeling the darkness of this world.

I suppose indeed I do, in a sense, live their lives, but only in the fleeting moment of a camera's shutter. Yet I know that they live somewhere in the corners of my being, in my dreams, even roaming in a nightmare times. And so they do live. And I can only hope to bring a manifestation in photograph, to portray the metaphor of their beings in a solitary form.

Sometimes I do not succeed, and that's okay. Sometimes they never make it to the internet, and that's okay too. Those are hidden in a secret library of abstract thought, but they live, those little misfits. But if, through a photo that does grace my page, a fellow human sees even a hinting reflection of their soul, if they view a hidden storm within them, then I have succeeded.

My strange ending question for the day: do any of you creatives out there turn your heads when viewing your work, shifting it side to side and up and down? I suppose this is a technique better applied to, perhaps, a sculptor of things, rather than a photo- taker, but that did not stop me from using the maneuvers in attempts of maximum viewing capacity.

I wish you all an inspiring week!

I Survived.

Guys. I just deleted my original draft of this post. My gosh, the irritation. I tried very hard not to explode when I conducted a frustrated waltz around the living room, aggressively sipping my tea. Erg...

Well, I'll try to remember what my abstract writings were about.

There were many different difficulties in creating this photo. An ambiguous concept that was hastily written down the night before the shoot, not saying much other than the general pose, then I shot this on a very white background, knowing that I wanted to change that to a black backdrop later in Photoshop. The dress needed to be reconstructed, the blindfold needed major surgery, light sources had to be established (still not sure if that worked) and two photos I used were out of focus... so yeah, editing was just a joy.

But I don't see these things when I look at this image. I see hilarious moments of wrapping my friends head up in a slightly suffocating knot, then vigorously tossing the scarf around as we all giggled... "oh and you have to swing this lantern." I see the joy of having things work and slide into place while editing, after the beginning moments of how on earth am I supposed to do this subsided.

I see an accomplishment.

However, I also see the night of anxiety before the shoot, a struggle in the darkness within myself, the piercing doubt that lurked in my head. Yet despite this, there is a light that I see which is much greater than my fears. Good memories despite the twilight of my thoughts, friendship bound by trust that helped me walk down this obscure path that was this photo adventure, not knowing what I was doing or if the the path would lead anywhere... and this photo, this image that encapsulates such a strong juxtaposition that I have felt inside myself lately.

I hope to do more of these photo shoots. Honestly, this was one of the most rewarding shoots I have done. It was something really different for me, something that I wanted to do because I knew I had to. I knew that I needed to get over the fear of collaboration, the fear of the unknown that I struggle with so often, the poison of what I think a failure would be. I knew I needed to push myself. And... I made it.

Perhaps that is the greatest victory I find in this photo. I survived.

 

We all have our fears that blind us. But will you choose to follow the light?

Senior Portrait Project: Take Me Away.

I have been staring at a computer for too long today. Website research (?!), attempts at writing, editing photos. I can feel the restlessness creep into my being. A need to get up and do something. Irritation at everything is crawling just under my skin.  Yet here I am, trying to write a blog post that has been sitting in my draft box for days...

So here we go. Lord of The Rings music, beverage in hand, wonderful sunlight streaming through the window on this springish day. I can do this.

 I decided to do something a little different for my senior portrait project that I have started. Rather than creating ambiguous characters to be a part of a story or convey a point, I would create how I actually see myself at this age. And so this photo was created to begin that journey. A simple portrait, crafted from how I feel when I get lost in a book, when I forget that I'm reading printed ink on paper, and just let my heart fly away between the pages.

I also see in this photo (and maybe I am the only strange person who sees it) a beginning of adventures, and that is exactly how I feel as this stage in my life is ending and a new one approaches. I know where I am now and I know the One who sees my path clearly, always encouraging me to go on, always knowing exactly what's ahead of me.

And that's all I really need.

 More to come of this fanciful world I live in. Now excuse me as I go detox from technology.

If you could live between the pages of any book, which one would you choose?

Proverbs 16:3

Commit your works to the Lord,
And your thoughts will be established.

From Sketch to Photo

I decided, very much on a whim, that I would do a little behind the scenes post with this photo, all the way from conceptual "sketch" (a horrible rendition of that word) to final image. I have always enjoyed looking at these "revealing of secrets" posts with any form of production whether it be films, paintings, musicals, or heavily edited photos... almost to the extent of liking them more than the final productions. I suppose this could be because I have such a connection to the experiences of things, the journey involved with any great conquering.

So, the beginning. I start the creation of my photos with my beloved idea book and a pencil, scribbling down the things from my inner world, sometimes feeling as if I'm bleeding myself onto the paper. These crazy ideas are usually accompanied by a terrible attempt at a sketch (of which I'm not sure you can clearly see in the photo above.... which I'm totally okay with) and a little description that is more of a reference point for me as I set out to create each photo than it is any sort of help to a model. Often times the photo is slightly or completely different from the sketch anyways. The sketch on the right is the start of the idea for the final image.
 Also pictured is all the other things that are obvious essentials in the creations process, as in my glorious cup of peppermint tea that is currently fogging up my new glasses as I write this (my gosh I had no idea the struggle was so real) and a candle burning at all times, this specific one smells of pine... However I burned it so relentlessly when I devoured the Lord of the Rings books last year, that now every time I smell it I am reminded of places I have never been and I honestly think it will become a family heirloom... it will not surprise me if I chase my kids around screaming CHILDREN, YOU MUST COME AND SMELL THE PRANCING PONY AND GONDOR!
  It is...precious to me, and I will not burn it anymore because I can not allow the smell of middle earth to leave me.

Okay, back to the photo.

Every image I create needs a base photo and this was the image I built from to get to the final creation, adding two other images to make a square frame at the end. Not sure why I have started deeming it the base photo, but really once you add tons of layers on top of one image in Photoshop, it does become the base of the photo. The start of the editing journey.

Derp faced dress fluffer at work. Also, my friend here was a trooper, dealing with my attempts at communication, laughing with me as I maneuvered the self timer (a strange acrobatic experience), struggled through the nature, and at one point agreeing to have her head rapped in a scarf while "levitating." We'll see if that photo ever gets to the blog here, but it is still in the works at the moment. I was quite excited and nervous to work with someone besides myself or my sister as a character in a fine art portrait. But if I could trust anyone to go along with my ideas, to allow me to be clueless if it would actually work or not, to join me on an adventure in my world, it would definitely be her.

Believe it or not, this was the photo I used for the flowing hair. Lots and lots of shifting and stretching happened in post processing. And yes she is in a different dress... I was horribly indecisive. Also, if you need a hair flipper who can sometimes nail the timing with the camera timer, call me.

And so, the final image. The end of the creation journey.  I think the thing that most excites me about this image is that actually worked. I tried something new, had no idea if it would work, and in the end, my imagination was made into something tangible, and that is the greatest goal I can ever achieve with the photos I create.
There are so many things I see in this image, but for now, I will let you read what you will in it's story, for I am already lost in it's many pages.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
And lean not on your own understanding;

In all your ways acknowledge Him,
And He shall direct your paths

Proverbs 3:5-6

Success In The Process

This image has been such a big frustration in my life for the past month that if the process of editing a photo could be compared to sculpting a rock, then with every chip and curve I tried to make against this hard stone, it just did not bend to my will.

It took me nineteen clicks of the save button to get this final image and this is my ninth attempt to write a blog post to go along with it.

I must say that there were times that I just wanted to throw this rock out the window. My sanity can only be attributed to the many cups of tea that got me through to the end.

With all this resentment, the temptation was very strong not share this photo, but I decided to post it anyway because it is actually quite special to me, even with it not being my best work and all the frustrations that surround it. I won't call this a failure, contrary to my first opinion of it, because I actually think it looks alright, but not great (*note* I am staring at this sentence and it does not sound grammatically correct to me at the moment, perhaps I have been staring at a screen too much, but I have tried to write this post for too long so I'm just going to keep going).

I am determined to view this photo as a success because that which was completely irritating turned into an experience that I certainly benefited from. I know that I will look back on this photo with satisfaction because I worked through it and created something that is an extension of my imagination.

Something that I must often remind my self of, and something that I have been thinking about as I look at this image, is that failures can become something we learn from, experiences we can appreciate because they pushed us forward, and I am learning that failures, even when it is accompanied by frustration, are certainly something that I should not fear and with it comes the gift of humility if you accept it.

Let your failures live, not to tear you down, but to encourage you to keep trying. They are, after all, our greatest lessons.

And never ever give up. 

My Soul Will Fly Away.

   Monday.
   To me, contrary to the general opinion of my family and really of all the people I know, this is my favorite day of all. There is a freshness on this day that I just don't feel on other days and when I wake up to a drowsy sun just about to rise, I am inspired to make the week as intriguing as possible.
   It was on this day one week ago that I created this image and it has taking me exactly one week to be fully happy with it. Each day of last week, I woke up and saw different things I didn't like about it or I found something new I wanted to add. With these new things I took away or introduced, I asked myself why I had put those things in or taken them away, and it was not until I added birds and the concept of flight that I fully became aware of what I felt towards the message behind the photo.
   It is not merely a portrayal of grief, which is what I had initially planned to create, but rather, a story about death. That death is both a finality and an infinity, both dreadfully sad for those left behind but so gloriously joyous for the child of God that takes the last steps to where they have been traveling to since birth, their home in heaven.
  But for those of us who are left behind as the spirit of loved ones fly away, there is a struggle with hope. I've observed people who search for this hope, perhaps looking for something they think they need but ultimately can't find. I have seen rejection, an angry cry of "why" demanded from God, the One who knows all and who has planned everything for a specific purpose. But I have also observed people who have found hope in the arms of Christ, the same arms that received the spirits who flew through the gates of the Kingdom.
   I think the thing that fascinates me the most, and what has so captivated my mind lately, is how people are grieved by the fact of what death is. It is, in a material sense, the final page turned in the life of that person here on earth. It is complete, it is heartbreaking. But for Christians, yes we grieve for the departure of a soul we loved and will never see again on this earth, but more importantly, if that soul received spiritual life while still alive on this planet, we rejoice in what death truly means. That the soul has reached it's true home in heaven, where every Christian will arrive one day in jubilant reunion with their Creator.
   Death is mysterious. It is something we can't fully understand until we have experienced it. But for me, the mystery is exciting. We have no idea of how amazing heaven will be and this is why I think I see death in such a beautiful way.
   Well, the week has begun and now I must go and live it. But I can not help but ponder how glorious it will be when my soul, too, will fly away someday. 

The Cages We Build

  A hole to dig, a door to slam, a window to draw shut. The havens we create for ourselves where we run and hide from this world infected by frustration and cruelty, the ones where we refuse to hear or articulate the truth because of the fear that is whispered to us, can forever become our cages.
  

   
 It's funny how a little experiment can broaden into a deep personal connection.

 On a particularly quiet day, I set out to do a composite (a combining of photos) merely so I could get practice by doing so. I didn't want to do anything extreme, just a simple adding-of-fabric image that I had pictured (aha) in my head for a while. So I grabbed a scarf, opened the curtains, and sat down in my room with the hopes that I could indeed synchronize with the two-second timer and my flinging skills. 

   After many strange and hilarious photos of me looking a bit distracted with the scarf all over the place, I eventually honed in my timing and got a few photos of the scarf in the air.

   As I started to edit, I began to see a story develop that I had not intentionally put there. It was as if I was seeing a character grow chapter by chapter in a way that makes one feel as if they are not just reading about that character, but traveling with them on their adventure, feeling their emotions, thinking through their problems and overcoming them. And yet, as I added each element to this picture, I saw that I was not simply creating a plot and character in which to tell a fantasy, but that I was indeed that character on the adventure, getting consumed by the scarf that seemingly has locked the door to my mouth in its billowing folds of fabric, fully feeling the struggle of fighting against this confinement, and ultimately striving to overcome the conflict.
   Even with this concept in mind, I see the plot change and expand with each time I look at this photo. I don't think I have come to a full understanding of why I created this, or what exactly is the end of the story, but I think that is the most exciting thing about it. That I don't know the full extent of how this image speaks to my heart because with each new look at it, I find something new.
   I got lost in a story, yet found myself there.