A truth; I am scared. Of many things. It is the ocean that I drown in. I had hoped I would be different when I was a younger person. Always looking up to the guy I thought I would be, thought I could be. I didn't know it would be like this. Neither this nor that am I. Just me.
A truth; I miss my childhood. I miss summer days in backyards. Tag. Orphans. Neighbors. Laughter. I wish it could be as it once was; perfect, at least in my little eyes long ago. But here I am. Fighting against whatever notion I thought I must eventually succumb to when in younger days. Fighting against myself it seems.
Why does it come in waves?
I'm scared.
There are days in which I am less living the dream than I am simply living in a dark, delusional, horrible dream. Where things like the thoughts above nip at my nonsensical thoughts, echoing behind me with the click of my foot steps; they chase me down the street into the dark, away from all that is true.
It was just a dream... just a dream.
Please go away.
So much of this last week has been spent reminiscing in my childhood as I face a future that is growing in proportions that I am perhaps not ready to face yet; a dream in itself, led with eyes open and mind exhausted as time slips by like spilled milk seeping through the floor boards. The thoughts I wrote above came from a text I sent to some friends of mine not too long ago; spilled milk and floor boards and such. But ah, it was long enough for me to realize that it was from a place not entirely solid and certainly not a place bearing truth, as if I saw a cloud and tried to grasp it. It's true, and it's so entirely not true; whether I believe one way or the other is entirely different depending on the day.
I miss it, life as it was, so much.
It comes in waves.
But I would like to say that I have recovered from the despondency that covered my eyes for a time. I am moving forward. The night ended and I woke up to find dreams that are much better played out in the light of day. And with my new steps, I created a photo that bears much healing from those words I carved into the night. Poor little Susan was not having it, with all the hoisting and grabbing and ouch that hurt and come back here's that went into the shoot. It was unconditionally a hilarious photo adventure with many a funny in-between shot of my attempts at balancing a cat and facial expression and trying to work with the remote and self timer all at once.
If you want to see some of these golden images, you can find some in this blog post.
We all have dreams, some up where it seems we are unable to reach, some we hold close to our hearts, and at times they can weigh down on us, especially if we don't think we can accomplish them. I have felt this way recently, what with all this growing up I have to do and hard decisions that could change the course of my path, and all these ideas that seem impossible for me to create. But I am learning that all I really have to do is to reach out and touch one; a dream, a possibility, a song that exists only in my heart... and simply try, simply get started, simply move forward. God has given me abilities, and I can't wallow in and out of what I think I should be when God is making me be the person He wants me to be. Sometimes all we have to do is to try, maybe trip once or twice, or maybe even fall; but more importantly to try again, after the dirt and scuffing of our fall, after the bruises and the long nights, after the long prayers of please God, help me. Sometimes we have to look up from where we have fallen and grasp the hand given to us; get up and try again, you can do it.
He is always with me.
So my friends, with this image of all that is holding on to what is special and dear and such, I did something that is ever so slightly terrifying; I created an editing video... and posted it to YouTube. Yes, YouTube. That place I never thought I would walk up and nail my creations to it's oh so public doors. But I have. And I hope you enjoy a little speed edit video. I can't say I will post many YouTube videos, and I doubt greatly my ability to be in the YouTube world, but every now and again I hope to post on it.
Thank you guys for going on this journey with me, from still life to portraiture to crazy fine art, it's all been a little confusing with all this to choose from and pursue, but thank you for lifting me up with my dreams, and for following my strange blog posts about life and such. It's a journey, and I am so glad you all are here with me.
I hope you have an inspiring week!
Look up. Grasp the hand given to you. And always hold on to your dreams.
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