Hidden Grief

A truth; I have not, at all, gotten the hang of this small business thing. I don't even think that is what I can actually call whatever it is that I do, because really, small is the only word that can apply to my endeavors in this world. But my friends, I have made some strides forward in the past two days. I created a website (whoa, how, me?) and I made a Facebook page. Both small things when it comes to what it takes to be a business owner, but necessary I have found. This said, I must be completely honest, I really, simply, wanted to keep everything here on my little blog. I enjoy it the most, I feel the most comfortable here, it is my favorite space. But, as these things go, being comfortable isn't all that it is about when it comes to progress; it takes risk, and risk means being uncomfortable, and being uncomfortable means growth.

And growth is something I am striving for. With all it's growing pains.

Oh I feel it.

So, I branched out, moved out slightly into the world and community, with heart beating and mind revolting, saying how small my business really is, of how I will just fade away, of how I wouldn't make it.

Of how I wasn't good enough...

All of these things collided recently; A wave and a shore, meeting in a struggling chorus. I had to have hard conversations with good people, in the name of my business, in the name of honesty, in the name of integrity; yes, loud, crashing waves. I saw the shore come closer and anticipated the crash and tumble and rush. But, in the end, everything was cleared up and all was good and right as it should, and my mind was clear.

But with this experience, I took a step back for just a moment. I looked at my work from a distance, like a painter with arms crossed and thumb to lips in concentration, studying, swaying, tilting head side to side. I looked at all that was good and all that was bad, what I liked and what I didn't, and ultimately what I wished to accomplish. Yes, the thoughts flowed in, of no this is really awful, I can't possibly assume people will like my work, I can't publish this, I'm too inconsistent...

You may ask what I did with these thoughts? I pushed and pulled and shoved past them, looked out my window and smiled at the sky. Closed eyes and deep breaths can do wonders, trust me. And then I made it back to that spot at my kitchen table and began again with my work; artist to painting, photographer to Photoshop, mind to earth. I can't say these thoughts will leave, it'll always be my little battle. Hustle and make it and fight the thoughts and such... 

But that's the thing I have found through my recent experiences. I don't have to be anything I am not, I just simply have to be fully me, here and now and always, and not to bury myself under what I think I should be and what I think that I could be and what my ideas of better are. My images don't need to be fantastic, my blog doesn't need to be perfect, and for that matter, I certainly don't need to be perfect for me to be all that God wants me to be.

I don't need to be aligned with the world to be aligned with God.

This is my hope for you my friends, that you may be all that God wants you to be, push past the fog of doubt, learn through mistakes, and be authentic, not a fragment of self imposed perfection, but wholly you as you are.

I posted this on my Instagram a few weeks ago and it is exactly how this photo was thought of:

"Inspiration comes at the most funniest of places. A toss, a turn, eyes wide open; oh hello 2 in the morning, how are you? Let's conceptualize photos together, shall we? Yes yes, I had another idea tumble through the door and it needs my attention. Immediately it says. You know how it is. We've been doing this for years, you and me. Does coffee sound good? I crave it at this odd little hour, you know? Of course you know.
When the push and pull of the earth is lessened, and the moon keeps up the conversation. The hour where, if I just step out my door, or maybe all it takes is a glance out of my window, I might slip into the night and up into the stars.."

This photo was created simply, just me and the wall and a bed sheet; stars aligned and it worked and came together in Photoshop thank goodness. The story is of sadness hidden, a character who's tears bleed through their walls; the storm does rage and all. I thought of this image a lot during this time of my life, when I was stressed and trying so hard to enjoy seasons of cold weather, just wishing to sit and enjoy the earth's shift without my griefs and worries.

But the days that I was dreading became times of bliss, days that I thought would never end the sun went down on in a sweet goodbye, and I came through in gladness, learning that visioned failures don't have to come through. My waves crashed and receded. Now I sit and feel and change with the seasons that I am now fully experiencing ,without the burden of the past weeks, and I'm chasing light more than ever.

Let the waves crash. But don't forget to let them go.