Hope Held

I am tried. So tired. Of always trying to out do what I have already accomplished. Tired of looking back and thinking about how things were better than they are now. Tired of seeing myself as decaying rather than growing. I am not all that I want to be sometimes. I look at this fact everyday and shove it aside muttering, I know I know I know, let me just try, let me grow, leave me alone.

I am tired. The world moves faster than I can handle. I'm sick of the noise and the stifling humans who infect everywhere I go. I am melting under all the sickness that crawls around kicking and screaming at every burning ember that touches the ground. They reach for me. I feel them all at my back. And sometimes, when the sun goes down and I'm left in the dusk of my mind, they grab me. They tear at my clothes. And all I can do it stare between rough fingers.

Please let me go.

I feel strange as the year closes, as you may have noticed from my words above. But, I am happy. Blissfully so. Christmas always makes me this way. I am going to bake various things and read my favorite blogs that post seasonal magic like Beth Kirby and Nate Crawford; they make me wish I could be a food blogger and I adore their photography and words and foody things so much. ( I know, great technical word there). I am going to drink my favorite seasonal teas and take little photos around my house of the beauty that is this season and yes, listen to all that Christmas music and be simply happy for a time.

But I am looking forward. Mostly toward just a few weeks for that special day yes, but oh, beyond toward distant skies that I am reaching for indeed.

I tend to shove past the gloomy side that crawls on skin when looking into the future over a cup of coffee and by consulting those whom I trust; ignoring the arms at my back. My poor friends, gosh they have to deal with a lot of questions about this or that or with my need to be quiet and away from phones and computers and communication at other times. 

But I have begun looking at what I have accomplished this past year, and what it is that I wish to do more of in the year to come; horizons and all that. A business fell into my lap through the months and I have felt lost. I have had to ask myself questions that I have put aside for awhile; "where the heck to do you want to go from here? What is it that you wish to do more of? Why can't you decide anything."

Mumbling uncertainties, I drink my coffee.

The truth, I have found, does not need many words to be what it is. I know what I like to do; that is a truth. So far, I haven't actually made a living out of my crazy photos and sometimes it doesn't seem possible. Poetry within a frame, written in ink and contrast, pinning down my clouds and grounding my spirit, that is what I truly wish to do. This is not something that I am asked to do by people. I have not been paid to make fine art images. Gosh, I haven't even printed my photos for myself. But they are what make my heart burn with purpose, what I am most connected with, what I have found that I wish to do and it is what I have found that I love to do most. In this field I am running, without ground it seems, but I'm running.

Toward horizons and such.

But at least I can see them. And I'm holding onto hope.

And so I have written goals. Not some resolutions of cliche, or hopes that I think impossible; but goals that I know that I can at least try. Some are simple ideas that aren't concrete I realize; I hope to be inspirational for someone, even if to only one person, and even if it is in some small way. Some goals are simple and weird; I want to take more photos of my cats and try different teas. But others are of the kind that will help, or perhaps to even force myself to grow. I want to learn more Photoshop. I want to print my creations, if only for my wall. I want to find those who will follow my strange path with me. I want to show people more of the "how" and the "why" I create. I want to be what God wants me to be, whether I know where I am or not. And that starts with goals and plans and distant horizons and a open heart to what could be and a willingness to follow.

I have come to realize that I am capable of more things than I know. My borders this year have widened and been all over the place, I know. I didn't know if this photo would work. Yet it slid into place in Photoshop. I have been trying to write this blog post for longer than it takes to add eight arms to a photo. Yet here it is. I didn't think I could photograph a wedding again, but I did this year, and guys, it was entirely amazing, although not something that I wish to do for the rest of my being. I didn't think I could give a best man speech, but I made it through with all it's shaking hands and those eyes... so many eyes. I didn't think I could go to another country to do what I love, but I did. 

So, chase those clouds. Run with what you love. We are capable of more than we realize, and sometimes the greatest thing we can do to accomplish our dreams is to go and try. This photo is a reminder to hold onto hope, to He who is all knowing, and to fight, goodness, fight those arms at your back; we do, after all, have the God of the universe to hold onto. I know I will be.

I hope we can do it together my friends.

I would love to hear what goals you have set for the coming year!