A Musing We Will Go {9-20-16}

Life, as it is, can not be all that we want it to be, I have found. What once was is no more than a memory, what will be can not be seen, and what is the here and now can sometimes be forgotten amongst the business of things.

Yet, with this said, things, as they are, are not altogether as bad as we can think them to be, or perhaps, as bad as we make them out to be. It is a wondrous thing when one makes it through those things we just simply don't want to do, reluctantly dragging our feet to go where we know we must go, yet coming out on the other side still breathing, still smiling, finding joy even after the long days filled with imagined failures. 

As it has lately been for me.

These past few weeks have been somewhat of a blur. Getting over the jet lag of my 11 hour flight home from my adventures across the ocean has muddled my thoughts as I dwell mentally in another time zone. I suppose I will still be there for awhile, even now that I'm pretty sure I'm over the late nights and drowsy days; sort of. But part of me stayed in that place, and I don't suppose it will ever leave my being, it simply is, here and there, within and abroad. I miss Beijing. 

Yes, as I slip back into the here and now that is my normal life, coffee in hand of course, my days seem to blend together, just another sunrise that melts into sleep with nothing in between and so forth and so on and never ending it seems. I will admit, I have been in what some may call a creative drought. Waking moments seem to be endless and finite all at once, there is never enough hours of sunlight for me to be and do and try all that I wish; and then there are times when it just seems that the earth has stopped its celestial travels and all I want is to go back to my cove between linen and pillow and simply slip away from the never ending noise. Writing, especially, has been difficult, the ink of my thoughts bleeding through the paper rather than inscribing anything on it; that torrent in my head crashing, drowning, dim and obscure, eventually washing up upon a barren shore. 

These times can be difficult, yes. It is all I can do some days to simply be alright with what ever I am creating, to refrain from destroying the beauty of the mundane with doubt and worry. But I must remind myself that yes, indeed things, as they are, are not always as bad as we can think them to be, or perhaps, as bad as we make them out to be. Especially when we try to create what is that turret in our beings, that tapestry that is our imagination. I think that is the greatest blessing I have found during these past few weeks, that there is joy in the unwanted moments, it just takes a willing heart to see it. 

Also learned through these weeks... sleep is very important. I wish I was better at it.

So I have decided to create a little series, if that is what one may call this, where I'll share some things that have most inspired me recently. A Musing We Will Go. Of things that help me get out from underneath the blindfold that holds back ones soul from the heart, that help me see the joy in this world. I have seen this done before, and it was really inspiring for me, and so I decided to provide it here on my little blog. I hope you, too, can find something that speaks to your being here in my little space.

~First, a photo that I took, rather hastily, a few weeks ago, right before I departed across an ocean. All of it is simply wishful thinking. Candles, spiced tea, a sweater (yes that's a sweater...prop camouflage at it's best right there). It is a longing for an Autumn that is slow in coming. 

~Restless by Audrey Assad
You dwell in the songs that we are singing,
Rising to the Heavens, rising to Your heart, Your heart.
Our praises filling up the spaces
In between our frailty and everything You are
You are the keeper of my heart
And I'm restless, I'm restless
'Til I rest in You, 'til I rest in You
I am restless, I'm restless
'Til I rest in You, 'til I rest in You
Oh God, I wanna rest in You

It is a song that has been drifting through my house recently, a perfect ode to the clear light as of late. It makes one pause and think, really think, of everything one is and where one might be in this world, the rush and hurry that it is, and reminds me, simply, of what I should rest in when I am restless. Whenever it comes on my Spotify play list, it is as if a window has been swung wide open upon my mind, and I greatly breath in the fresh air and warm morning light that is this song.

~These Orange Blossom & Honey Cinnamon Buns are just heavenly looking. And Nathaniel's blog and Instagram have been a huge source of inspiration for my baking endeavors, however small those may be. 

~ This photo, and quite honestly the entirety that is Brooke Shaden, have always ignited my imagination. Currently, I am re-watching a class of hers on Creative Live that has helped me learn many things when it comes to the labyrinth that is editing, conceptualizing, shooting, and finalizing a photo. 

~ Honey Whole Wheat Bread accompanied with an enchanting blog post that I just love. I think, perhaps, this is something I could actually pull off.

~Finally my friends, I wrote a story about September. It has a special place in my heart, like a letter from a dear friend, worn and creased at the edges, kept in that little space by the bed side, taken out to be re-read again and again and again. I have pondered a lot about whether or not I want to share something like this here on my little space of the internet, something that is from a corner of my being that I do not share very often. But I think, in time, it will end up here. The story sparked an idea that I took photos for the other day with my sister. It was, as many of my crazy photo shoots go, filled with laughter and hilarious behind the scenes photos and memories.

So now my friends, I must go and edit and knead and churn over the photos that I have gathered.

I wish you all an inspiring week.

The Passing of Spring | A Veiw of The Future

And just like that, spring was gone. 

The cycle, the new life, the breath, the sun, it is all coming to it's prime; summer. The time of break, of rest, at least for some of us with school, and some, I included, have finished the schooling of our childhood and now look toward the world unknown. The season of change is upon us. We have graduated.

But there is now this middle ground, an inhale before the plunge into that tide sweeping us away to the oceans of the world. Some know exactly where the current is taking them, others do not, *raises hand*. Some will float to colleges, some to other countries, some straight into a profession, and others will simply drift until they hit land, wherever that might be. But the thing that binds us together is that we are chasing a dream, a new life, a strive to find our path in this world, to fulfill God's will for our lives.

I will admit that the concept of life after high school has always been a mystery to me. And quite frankly, it still is. The ground right in front of my feet; that blank, bare, and ardently small space that my silhouette will cast it's shadow upon soon enough, is the space that is illuminated by my knowledge of where I am going down this road, by my knowledge of where God is taking me. It is not a nicely paved road like it seems others are, nor is it desolate and barren; it is my path, and I know where I'll soon be in that near future, and I know not what will happen beyond.

I am learning to be okay with that.

To be content with the unknown, that blurring together of what could be, would be, will be. And sometimes we feel the pull of it, that anxiety that holds us to the ground, a suffocation it is; but we really just want to let go and sore up to the clouds, chasing those dreams that we throw up to heaven and watch as they form in constellations or clouds born on a western wind of thought. Sometimes we sink, down into the deep where the waters turn black and you can't tell which way is up; and so we drown out the possibilities, the could be's, the what if's, and turn to what we think is best rather than what could be.

And so I have created an image of how it feels to look into a future unsure, of that time that we see nothing, just the dark water that drags us deep down into doubt. It is a reminder, a memento to what one may feel at times, but a reminder I will choose it to be, for it is an image I strive to move on from, to look behind at, and to accept.

And I hope the same for you my friends.

Book Reads | The Reckless Series

There are books that capture your heart in the very first chapter, when the characters take you away within their first few words uttered between the pages. Books that you savor, letting the plot sit in your bones for days, cherishing the quiet moments you spend with it on spring afternoons like this one...

 

I am not what you would call a book blogger. That is a whole different world in its entirety, a world that I enjoy perusing and gaining from the knowledgeable writers who diligently work at critique and staying up to date with the book world, but I am certainly not of this awesome people. I am, however, a consumer of ink on paper and I think I'll write my own thoughts on books periodically in my little corner here.

  

Reckless By Cornelia Funke. -There are books that capture your heart in the very first chapter, when the characters take you away within their first few words uttered between the pages. Books that you savor, letting the plot sit in your bones for days, cherishing the quiet moments you spend with it on spring afternoons. These books were just of that kind. 

 I took my time with this book, and quite honestly with the other two as well, reading them in the soft spring light, usually accompanied by tea or coffee. Tales about a mirror that led to another world where every fairy tale you have heard in our world is true in that one. Characters with secrets, fairies with potent names that must never be spoken aloud, and a shapeshifter that may become your favorite character. This book was so entirely intriguing and I enjoyed every chapter behind the mirror. 

Each book in the series had new adventures and added so much to this world I wish I could visit. I thought for sure that this was a trilogy, but I have recently found out that another one is on the way. So now I am forced to wait for the fourth one, and thank goodness that there is another after how the third one ended.

I hope you all are having a good week! If you want, I would love to hear what you are currently reading!

Nathan + Kaitlian | Engagement Photos

The sun was slowly slipping into slumber as they hiked high up in the sequoias, the big trees as their canopy, wild flowers nodding at them as they walked by. Nathan saw the sun setting and thought that it was time. He asked if they could go up to a rock that would be perfect to watch the sun fall asleep. Agreeing that this was a wonderful idea, Kaitlin obliged, but needed a break and some water. I can only imagine the feelings going on in Nathan's mind at this point. Maybe he was reminiscing the first time they said a word to each other, when she bummed his foot while on a bus in San Fransisco and said sorry.

They made it to the rock as the sun painted the sky. He turned to her, bent his knee, and asked her to marry him in the midst of God's artistry.

She said yes.

And now, they blossom; the prince and the princess. Sharing glances across large rooms, faces beaming. Conversations about the Bible over coffee. Hiking in the woods. Volunteering at church functions. Together. 

I was so excited and honored that these two wanted me to take their engagement photos. We adventured through groves of trees and hidden corners, slipping through crooked fences to pose along well worn paths and balance on river stones. Hart Park is one of my favorite places to be in Bakersfield, and I was thrilled they wanted to take photos there, even though I am still pulling cat tales (is that what they're called?) out of my shoe from our stint in the tall grass.

Also, this was my first session that I drove myself too. Just me. No one else. In a car. I was a little excited. 

I must say, the only thing I had to do was ask them to look at each other and they would glow, their love bursting from their faces and the adorableness was just explosive. They were truly amazing people to work with, and I can not wait for the wedding!

Bunches of Flowers | Thoughts On Spring

Those small, soft, delicious moments of the day's eve, still and quiet. I almost think they were made for listening. To close the eyes and feel the earth sway, to shift; the changing of light to dark. But it is too special a moment to keep from sight, the light of the sun and moon colliding, mingling but for a breath of time in their exchange of reign. These are the things that sit in our bones after the sun's farewell, the lullaby of the earth. 

Spring. Those few young months of the new year that are so fleeting. The sun, in its haste, flies past wishing for summer; the prime of its command.

But, there is a breath. An inhale, before the sting of summer. Of growth, of color, the life returning after death; the metaphor of Christ, the promise to the Christian. It is a time of rejoice, of laughter and dancing in the young light. For planting, not just of seed, but of feet also, I think, in the warm earth. Letting our hearts stretch and grow like the wild flowers reaching toward the sun.

Yet, for me, it is a time of restlessness. A stirring inside of me, to fly, to grow, to be with the flowers and birds and trees. But it is in the moments that I take to be still, to be quiet, to breath; on afternoons watching the sun, or the mornings spent watering the lavender and rosemary. Taking photos in small corners of the house or Bible studies in the dwindling spring light. These are the little things that keep the restlessness at bay, and as the earth returns from winter slumber, I will purpose to be content.

What are the things you most enjoy about spring? 

Senior Portrait Project: The Hidden Storm

Is it considered a portrait if ones face is not actually featured in the photo? Well, I guess I'll include a photo with the face of one caught in the act of creativity, the words, "how long have you been there?" about to grace my lips...

I often imagine what it would be like to jump into my photos and continue the story. To begin within the moment captured, but then to breath in the life of an untold, continuing story. To become the character that often has such an elusive face at the moment the photo is captured. To feel their heart's beat in my veins, the life they live inside my bones, the quests they go on or, perhaps, the simplistic lives I imagine they live. I wish for the poetry of their lives when I am feeling the darkness of this world.

I suppose indeed I do, in a sense, live their lives, but only in the fleeting moment of a camera's shutter. Yet I know that they live somewhere in the corners of my being, in my dreams, even roaming in a nightmare times. And so they do live. And I can only hope to bring a manifestation in photograph, to portray the metaphor of their beings in a solitary form.

Sometimes I do not succeed, and that's okay. Sometimes they never make it to the internet, and that's okay too. Those are hidden in a secret library of abstract thought, but they live, those little misfits. But if, through a photo that does grace my page, a fellow human sees even a hinting reflection of their soul, if they view a hidden storm within them, then I have succeeded.

My strange ending question for the day: do any of you creatives out there turn your heads when viewing your work, shifting it side to side and up and down? I suppose this is a technique better applied to, perhaps, a sculptor of things, rather than a photo- taker, but that did not stop me from using the maneuvers in attempts of maximum viewing capacity.

I wish you all an inspiring week!

I Survived.

Guys. I just deleted my original draft of this post. My gosh, the irritation. I tried very hard not to explode when I conducted a frustrated waltz around the living room, aggressively sipping my tea. Erg...

Well, I'll try to remember what my abstract writings were about.

There were many different difficulties in creating this photo. An ambiguous concept that was hastily written down the night before the shoot, not saying much other than the general pose, then I shot this on a very white background, knowing that I wanted to change that to a black backdrop later in Photoshop. The dress needed to be reconstructed, the blindfold needed major surgery, light sources had to be established (still not sure if that worked) and two photos I used were out of focus... so yeah, editing was just a joy.

But I don't see these things when I look at this image. I see hilarious moments of wrapping my friends head up in a slightly suffocating knot, then vigorously tossing the scarf around as we all giggled... "oh and you have to swing this lantern." I see the joy of having things work and slide into place while editing, after the beginning moments of how on earth am I supposed to do this subsided.

I see an accomplishment.

However, I also see the night of anxiety before the shoot, a struggle in the darkness within myself, the piercing doubt that lurked in my head. Yet despite this, there is a light that I see which is much greater than my fears. Good memories despite the twilight of my thoughts, friendship bound by trust that helped me walk down this obscure path that was this photo adventure, not knowing what I was doing or if the the path would lead anywhere... and this photo, this image that encapsulates such a strong juxtaposition that I have felt inside myself lately.

I hope to do more of these photo shoots. Honestly, this was one of the most rewarding shoots I have done. It was something really different for me, something that I wanted to do because I knew I had to. I knew that I needed to get over the fear of collaboration, the fear of the unknown that I struggle with so often, the poison of what I think a failure would be. I knew I needed to push myself. And... I made it.

Perhaps that is the greatest victory I find in this photo. I survived.

 

We all have our fears that blind us. But will you choose to follow the light?